Friday, May 23, 2014

love.

I'm sitting in the kitchen of my smaller, much more manageable home.  The wind is blowing through the open windows and the kids are playing outside.  I can see them and hear them from where I sit; at times they even catch me peeking.  Dogs are barking just next door and the mowers are running, signifying what we've all been impatiently waiting for:  Summer.
 
Mabel is tapping just on the other side of the wall.  I can her the rhythm, oh so familiar.  She's grunting; it's her new, most frequent sound.  She's beautiful.
Sometimes she will let out a cry, just to make noise but as quickly as she stops she is laughing at essentially nothing.  She's a free spirit indeed.
As you can see I haven't been writing much. 
And no one has asked me why which has freed me.  I think you all just know.  This season of my life is meant to be lived and not dissected in words that are inadequate anyway.  It's meant to be explored and devoured in actions, not detailed letters that jumble together, trying to make sense of this complex life that is extraordinary.
 
I'm so busy making memories that I am forgetting to sit down and write about them. And though I don't want to get in that habit, it has been a nice, quiet, calming time in my life to just be present rather than analytically mulling over the events of our lives. 

As I sat to write today all that I continued to think about was Love.
Mostly because I am in it.  [and it's amazing.]
But also because I am watching my kids orchestrate in it every single day. 
I am incredibly proud of them and inspired by them.  I am thankful that they are learning what it means to be humans who do good and treat others right. 
 
Their hearts are unique.  
Seeing them live in such remarkable ways reminds me of all the times that I would pray over my growing tummy for the little hearts that were beating in there.  I would plead with God to make them lovers of Him, lovers of others, lovers of this earth, of food, of sunshine, of puppy kisses, of green grass, of little things and grand things.  I wanted them to appreciate their siblings, a gentle breeze, art, music, and reading.  I asked God to help them have compassion, empathy and resilience. 
And my children do. 
God is faithful. 
I think about love every single day. 
Not in a childish, juvenile, high school crush kind-of-way but in a way that is so much more profound.  In a way that the Father loves us. and a way that we should love others. 
 
The kind of love that is wrapped in a beautiful second chance, a deserved fresh start, a tiny leg wrapped just right around your hip.  The kind of love that speaks gently and listens intently.  The kind of love that is patient and soothing, passionate and longing. 
 
I look at these kids every day and I want them to know that I never lost hope in that kind of love and I never doubted that I was worth it.  I want them to look at me one day, no matter what our future circumstances and know that I had so much love left to give inside of me that I couldn't wait to give; couldn't wait to share.  I want them to always look at me and see the love of Jesus from somewhere within, spilling out onto others. 
I pray now, as I always have, that I can give give give of myself so that He can be seen and felt. 
[and I hope that they'll always desire the same.]
I watch these kids in the sunshine, dancing and running freely and I see so vividly their souls illuminating our God.  I look around me and I cannot believe the amount of goodness that has been poured out onto us.  I am literally overwhelmed with gratitude for a King who gives to those who are so undeserving. 
 
There has always been a peace surrounding me and these kids; a peace that I have never quite been able to wrap my mind around.  Though there have been VERY difficult days, the summer sunshine seems to be shining light on days ahead that look much different than ever before.  These days look stress-less and carefree. Encompassed with activities that are joyful and people who are content, our future days look bright.
 
They look like breakfast on the patio and red rover at the park.  Softball games and long, sweet walks.  They look like cookouts, hand holding, book reading and tree house building.
The days to come in our world look like gratefulness.
They look like love is supposed to look.  .  
Nora, Braden and Mabel,
Thank you for reminding me that love is patient and kind.  Forgiving and transparent.  Gentle and easy.  Joyful and fun.  Beautiful and thankful.
The love that I watch you show to others inspires me every day to continue doing the same. 
I love you more than you'll ever know.  

3 comments:

Paige said...

I don't know you guys personally, but i have been reading your blog for a while now. Your kids LOOK happier now that you have moved into the new house :-) Love them.

Unknown said...
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diamondfire42 said...

I've followed your blog for a couple of years now and have seen the changes in you and your family. I thought about you a week or so ago when I was in Clinton with my Husband for a pool tournament.

I have seen your selfies move from IMO "fake it till you make it" to what seems like true confidence and strength. I can't imagine going through what you have, but God has a plan.

My email and most of the time online I am known as Diamondfire. I chose that name because you can only see the beauty and fire of the diamond after it has been cut in many places. I try to tell my nieces that it is the pain, confusion, sickness, joy, silliness, experiences that make it so. Every time you feel something new, come through adversity, try something new (whether you fail or succeed), you create a new facet to your life and if you polish it, makes it all the more beautiful.

You have an incredible fire in your diamond and you are helping your children polish theirs until they can do for themselves. God bless.