So much is happening around me and yet all of it feels too big, too monumental to even put to words. They fall short and for the first time in my life they feel as a feather in the weight of the wind. Life is happening and it's too heavy, too grand to stop even for a few moments and try to sort through it to make sense of how it is impacting us minute by minute.
In the last several weeks that I haven't written so much has gone on.
First of all, Becky had her baby girl, Finley Lyn. Finley is the only girl in her home of 3 brothers. Becky told me that she was pregnant on a gorgeous fall day during Apple N' Pork last year and I cried in hysteria that life was resuming and we were all going to move forward and live it. The idea brought great hope and great courage and now, holding Finley in my arms, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness that God, the Maker, gave this world an incredible gift.
During the first days of Finley's life, Mabel threw me back to reality by going into a 9 day crying spell. Crying actually isn't accurate. Screaming is right on point. It was terrifying, exhausting and frustrating. I came to the conclusion that it had to be neuro because the only thing that helped was bed time when she received her meds and was able to sleep. During the day, however, she was a different beast. By the last day, hospice finally got a doctor to approve morphine and we are now able to give it as needed to help calm her, although we haven't had to try yet because she woke up one morning out of nowhere just fine again.
I can't explain the kind of feelings and emotions that I had during those few days but I can tell you that no mother should ever have to go through it, think the things I did or feel the way I felt. In those times the world fades away, it is just she and I and it is incredibly lonely and sad. At one point, Dr. K, whom I love, told our hospice nurse that she wouldn't prescribe anything further for Mabel because this was just a 'progressive phase of the disease.' My heart broke and in that moment I would have rather died than faced the reality that there is no one who really knows how to help and no one who wants to risk helping in the bigger picture of their job, our society or simple protocol. Mabel breaks all the rules, all the protocol, all the statistics and it's terrifying for people-even the greatest of doctors and researchers. So there we were, she and I, walking up and down our driveway for days-both of us screaming, crying and wailing in each other's ears. It was, by far, the worst week of her life.
Yet, somewhere in those terrible days we managed to find beautiful moments as we always do. I had a great, unforgettable day with Jeni last week. We went to dinner, shopping and then hope for a long bike ride and walk with the kids. The sky was bright, the music was on, the kids were content and life felt so overwhelmingly big and wonderful.
It is, after all.
Finally after all the crying and being more exhausted than I can even explain accurately, I took a break and headed to the Luke Bryan concert with the girls. It was the most fun I have had in years, literally. We laughed and danced and sang and laughed more, late into the night. I felt young, energized and grateful for the ability to let go and have a good time, even for just a couple of hours.
I ended the worst week of Mabel's life by going to divorce court and making the separation from my husband final in a quick but necessary dissolution.
Many of you will be shocked to read that and I know that it's hard to believe. But let me assure you that it's absolutely what is best for myself, and for our children.
Everyone is doing really well considering the circumstances that led to the conclusion of this chapter in our lives and although it's hard to understand, even for myself-I am truly happier and lighter than I have ever been in my life.
My days are so complex and so full of things that matter. Things that are vital and unchangeable led me to be a woman that I knew I was capable of being but never truly had to tap into. Now I have evolved into that person and the strength I have is tapped into every day, I am confident in every choice that I have made along the way and feel really good about where I stand.
Those of you that love me and know me both in real life and reading here-I hope you know that if I weren't ok, I would say just that. I hope you also know that when I say I am happier than I've ever been, I mean that deeply. Don't feel sorry or conflicted for me. Just know that I am where I am and it's a really good place to be.
We are all together, all breathing and all ok.
This beautiful gift of life is fleeting and I feel like mine has been saved, enriched and set free. Please continue to pray for Mabel as we go through days that are uncertain. Please continue to pray for Nora and Braden as they adjust to our new normal and life busies around them. Thank you for loving us and for being so faithful to our lives. I am incredibly grateful.