It's a snowy Sunday.
Mabel woke up unable to swallow without crying again and has already thrown up once.
Nora and Braden have both had a couple breakdowns this morning as well. Braden cried about Stevie being in Heaven and 'that he wished I didn't have to work so hard...' He loves me and I love his heart. I reassured him that I would always work hard for him and for his sisters because God gave me the greatest job in the world being their mommy. He had real tears and he slept with his baby blanket last night for the first time in probably a year. I see the little ways in which he is starting to comfort himself through this time of uncertainty but his ways are much more subtle than Nora's.
Nora is having the hardest time.
She is crying alot and acting out in ways that I haven't seen her do before. She is wanting to busy around the kitchen. She is mixing food, and messing with the dishes almost constantly. She breaks down screaming that all she wants to do is help and no one appreciates it. She is crying several times a day. She is distraught and seems worried about me even though I feel like I've maintained alot of stability in my emotions. I remember being the oldest sibling, though, and worrying about my own mom growing up even in situations that were far less traumatic. It makes me incredibly sad to see her so conflicted and knowing that there's no right way to help her through it and there's no fix.
I'm certainly not going to use this blog as a platform to exploit my kids as they go through such a difficult transition time in our lives but I also want to remember these sweet and yet incredibly sad moments and days as they come. Horrific as it all is, it is now part of our story and it is our true life.
I don't know how to navigate these days with ease but this isn't the first time that I've been handed something that seems nearly impossible. In fact, I know without doubt that the days of madness before Mabel's diagnosis fully prepared me for my here and now.
I am unsure of what lies ahead.
I am only certain of what is happening before me, each moment, in this house, with these children. I continue to depend on a God whose plan for me is rich and brilliant and trust that He was seeing me through this long before the breath in my lungs was even formed. I can feel His heartbeat in each tear that has been shed and each comfort hug that I'm giving to these sweet, innocent kids.
So much is unsteady in our lives but I am grateful for the opportunity to teach them very early on that there is a God whose love never fails, never gives up and never runs out on us.
People leave. Disasters happen. Government is flawed. Religion is dry.
But our God is full of abundance and full of mercy. He is an unending source of strength. And even on our very darkest days when the world thinks it has stripped everything away from us-and it feels as if that is true...
We can simply rest in the knowing that some day, in eternity our reward will be great.