Something pretty magical happened in our home this week.
I watched her stand on her own two feet and she actually looked strong. I thought to myself, "If she can do that, I can do anything." And it's true.
Because this sort of thing is no easy feat for our little girl. This sort of thing takes a whole lot of energy, coordination, determination and a mixture of other get-it-rights all at the perfect moment to make this happen.
And. It. Was. Brilliant.
I have been hunkering down this week. Burrowing into my home with my children. I cleaned, rearranged, lit some candles, snuggled in a blanket, baked some cookies, ate the dough, read some books and enjoyed walking by the closed computer-time after time.
It's almost always this time of year when I feel sick and tired of the outside world. This week it was the election and all the mindless, senseless talk that followed that pushed me over the edge. That's all it took for me to consciously put my phone on the counter and leave it there, and not touch the computer for hours, even days.
Tonight the house is quiet and while Rache works I have Harper. What would typically be a wild night with all of the children has turned into the most relaxing moments of my week. They are all bathed. They have all eaten. The TV is quietly playing a Friday night movie and I'm sitting alone in the toy room as I hear the kids talking and giggling at one another's voices.
Sometimes the extra clutter of people around me causes anxiety that I'm not aware of until moments like this, when I'm alone. I so badly want to always put my kids first and listen to them, even if I have company in the house. But inevitably I get caught up in telling them to "stop interrupting." "Mommy's talking." "Just go play." Sometimes it's the necessary communication with adults that causes me to feel the most guilt as a mom. It's no one's fault but mine and it's completely normal. I just want to find a really good balance and have yet to do so.
But tonight the balance is just right. Harper told Mabel to "dance, Mabel!" Then she looked at me sweetly and asked, "Mabel just a baby?"
I said, "Yep..she's just a baby. She can't quite dance..."
She shrugged her shoulders, tilted her head and said, "Ohhh. That's so cute."
She doesn't know it and neither does her mommy, but she saves me many days. In many moments. In a million ways. Just when I feel an overwhelming sadness about Mabel and our life, Harper appears.
It's hard to explain it but what she does for me is reminds me of innocence and learning. Purity and hope. She pushes me to just keep going because she's still only 2. My kids are older so some of the effort that I make wouldn't be quite as 'little-minded" from day to day if it weren't for this curly haired, blue eyed asian girl running around. There's not a day that goes by that I don't fully understand God's mercy in bringing them here with us.
So tonight, in the middle of this warmly lit, cozy home--
everything feels right and well.
Little toes are crossed, little hair is wet, little mouths are fed.
And I feel fully satisfied with these 4 little creatures and them alone.
Sometimes that is all I want and it's all I need.
Onward to the weekend...