It's odd how the seasons blow in one day without you recognizing it. Suddenly, with no warning it is Spring. And not like a cool, gentle spring. It is a vibrant, hot, bright spring already. We have had record high temps and days when rain was predicted the sun has shown brighter than ever. It's really been amazing.
Autumn is my favorite season for many reasons but spring comes in at a close second. It's not too hot and not too cold. It's perfectly perfect really.
And yellow shows up alot. Like more than ever.
And if it doesn't appear, I find a way to make it happen.
Yellow is my happy.
Rache and I were talking last week on the trampoline as kids ran through the yard around us, darting from place to place. She mentioned that although she looks for things to satisfy her (the seasons, weather, clothes, hair color, etc.) it always comes back to the only One constant that brings her true contentment.
True joy. True peace.
The only One.
And although I agree, I think I always found SO much joy in life-in those other things, that I could never say that Jesus was the ONLY thing that brought me joy, happiness or peace.
He brought me the most joy. The most happiness. The most peace.
But I also felt that in other things as well.
He created me as a very joyful, happy, peaceful, full of life person and therefore I believe He knew that he would have to allow something so life changing to happen to me in order to depend only on Him. I believe that to come to a place where I can now say that those other things really do not satisfy me is to know that I have drawn closer than ever before to a God whose love is perfect, whose will is divine, and whose heart is jealous for mine.
I have not arrived.
In fact, I am on this venture that is actually quite draining. I am learning lessons that some will never have to and most will not be required to learn. I am being taught things about myself that will deepen the well within my soul that longs for a God of comfort and truth. I will draw from that well when everything else fails to satisfy or quench a thirst that is fleeting. I will draw so deep from that well that Jesus is digging in me and I will know that it has been worth the journey. It will all be worth it when I plunder from heartache and sadness to the wealth of insurmountable peace that God will provide. Because time and time again, He brings it in me.
Last night I was tired.
After wrestling with the redheads to get them to sleep I found myself crying in my big bed with one on each side. I cradled them so tightly and I explained how tired I was. Right there, in the dark and late of night I explained to them my heart and I know that they understood. The gifts that God has already given each of these children is incredible.
Braden with his understanding and apologetic spirit, and Nora with her concern and gentle knowing.
There is something so beautiful about doing this dance of 'normal' mothering and 'special needs' mothering. The two were slightly intertwined last night as my older children saw something in me. I knew that they knew and we all fell asleep together, wrapped in each others arms.
I am tired. But I am desperate to rise up and be a great mother for them. They still deserve that. And so I just keep doing the best I can. It's not what I had envisioned but it is all I have to give.
I just trust that it is enough.
Do you feel like God has allowed something in your life for a greater purpose?
Please remember that God isn't punishing you. He loves you. He doesn't create strife, divorce, sick children or even death in order to teach you a lesson.
He wants the best for your life and if those things will draw you near to Him and allow you to experience Him for all He truly is, I believe He allows that to happen.
I don't have all of the answers but I do know that there is no more wrath. God poured it all out on the cross. So just know that if you are in a time of trial, no matter how hard it is or how bad it hurts-
God will fulfill His promise and use it for the good.
With all I am, I still deeply believe that.
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