Tuesday, September 6, 2011

remind me.

Before anything else, please take three minutes and watch this entire video.  This is my new favorite song right now.



My sign may read: 
Lonely.
Misunderstood.
Fragile.
or even Forgotten.

A few days ago I decided to pack this computer away.  I tucked it tightly in the file box, shut the drawer, closed the closet door and locked it tight.  A few days ago I had decided that God and I have a little bit of catching up to do; without the clutter and the distractions.  Without the sadness and frustration of seeing everyone else's life and forgetting that mine doesn't need to look like theirs. 
A few days ago, after seeing one too many "my baby's talking," or "johnny's first steps" videos--I decided I couldn't take it any more.  One more minute of social networking and I was going to lose my mind.  And then Daniel told me that I couldn't get mad because someone else's baby was developing 'normally.'
And I had had it.

A few days ago I decided that the Lord and I had a little beef and I wanted to work that out with Him. 
And only Him.

And then I heard this song again and I poured myself into the Lord. 
I'm sick of this process that I'm having to endure.  This process called grief, or maybe acceptance.  I'm sick of fighting with my husband everyday because he doesn't {and cannot} understand what I'm experiencing.  I'm tired of defending my sadness to everyone just because I simply "look ok."
Looks aren't everything.

A few days ago I wanted to be reminded, once again, who I am.
And the Lord is reminding me...slowly. 
I am new.  I am new.  I am new.

I decided to back away from Facebook. 
I will continue to blog when I feel led to do so [which is often, thank goodness.]
But I will not be consumed by this computer anymore.
I will, for the first time ever in my life, sink into myself and rest there.

I decided to stop photography for awhile [maybe forever] except when I'm photographing my life and the most important things in it.  It's much more fun when it isn't a job.  And I have other things to focus on that I want to be wonderful at, such as schooling these kids.

I was reminded that I don't have to lose my dream of homeschooling these children in the hustle of this new life with Mabel.  And so I'm going to do it -- and do it well.
I got the classroom in order yesterday and our back to school dinner is on Sunday. 
I feel excited for the first time in a long time about something that I know will be amazing.

I am refocusing, allowing the refining and pulling back.  In all of this, I know that I will find myself. 
I'm begging the Lord lately, "remind me once again who I am..."
And I know He will show me....

It's time to be still.  It's time to sit back.  It's time to be quiet.
And so I am.
It feels different; even a bit awkward. 
But I will.

Beloved.  Beloved.  Beloved.
{remind me, Lord.}

3 comments:

Somer said...

So many thoughts are going through my head in what I want to say. I really just want to give you a gigantic hug. I read your blog almost every day. I love your openness and your heart for the Lord. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Lots of love,
Somer

A Day The Lord Has Made said...

Um, this is like we're in sync or you are reading my mind one or the two, because I just said that same exact thing on my facebook. I'm backing away from it...people can text if they want occassionally, but I'm backing away from phone, computer, unless its blogging, and we shut off the tv to get closer and more in sync with God! Amazing what it does too! We love ya!

Brian and Brynn said...

*HUGS*