Saturday, September 17, 2011

promise of joy.

I had a great week in the quiet.  I want to continue the pattern of growing in the Lord without the distractions that seem to pop up all around me.  I know that I cannot hide in a cocoon, never go out in public or read information online but I am learning how to shield myself from unnecessary pain. 
It's a good thing to learn about yourself. 
We took the older kids to eat last night and when we got into the restaurant I saw a familiar baby who I know to be close to 6 months of age.  She is so little yet strong enough to be sitting in a high chair.  My stomach rose to my throat in an uncontrollable kind of way.
It's in moments like that where the lonely creeps in.  Because I can't possibly explain, even to the closest people to my heart, how painful it is to realize time and time again that 'something is wrong with my baby that won't allow her body to do that.' 
Imagine saying that to yourself.
Something is wrong with my baby.
Something is wrong with my baby.
And then in the midst of saying it imagine how your thoughts begin to race and you want to throw up because the something you are referring to is still unknown.

Do you see the kind of panic that could spiral out of control inside of me if I don't desperately cry out to Jesus and ask Him to rule my thoughts instead of the possibilities that linger? 
My baby is having seizures; her brain is constantly firing off rapid signals potentially causing lifelong damage and we do not know why.
It's easy for someone trying to comfort me to say "but God knows..."
But sometimes it feels so unfair to hear that too. 
He knows alright, but it's still happening.  Would be nice if he'd lend a hand here...

It's a constant battle of what I know based on the Word and what I feel, based on emotion and self. 
So I'm learning more about myself and accepting how small I am in it all.
I play the most minuscule part in this thing.  I am nothing.
I have to believe and know that He is everything.  All I need.

So even with all the great quiet time that I allowed myself last week; even with all the growth that I did during that time...I still feel like I take 3 steps back when something causes me to let those thoughts out of captivity and run ramped in my mind. 
It's so frustrating.  It's so hard.

Mabel is still keeping her night cry going strong.  Last night we didn't get into a good sleep until about 5 am.  I'm unsure why this is happening but I am for sure calling the Dr. on Monday. 
It's just too much.
Today I'm cleaning up the yard, going to the pumpkin patch, soaking in my children at the pumpkin patch, making taco soup, watching a good movie and hoping that in this day I can find joy instead of exhaustion and sadness. 
"In You, there's joy.....unending joy...."

Thank you, Lord, for the promise.

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