I had never yelled at God until recently.
It's so disrespectful. Disobedient. Downright wrong, I thought.
And then I realized in the middle of the hallway and my pain that He is big enough to shoulder it. So I've gotten pretty good at telling Him exactly how I feel. I have never had a reason until now to pound my fists and stomp my feet at the injustice that my heart feels during this time...
Often times, as humans, we are big on seeking justice for situations that don't seem right to us. I have always laughed at the notion that we should have anything to do with some of the world's condemning considering that God will have to be the ultimate judge someday.
Until recently. And then I realized that deep inside of me I wanted someone to sweep in and magically bring justice for Mabel.
I wanted someone to make this right for her. She is an innocent child. She doesn't deserve to suffer. Was it the sins of myself or her father that brought this about in her life? Is this some sort of generational curse? Lord--YOU can fix this for her. I want justice for our baby.
And then, as I looked in the mirror and screamed out to God, He revealed that we already have it.
It's in the dedication of her body to tirelessly move. It's in the mercy of endurance that I see in her day after day. It's in the vulnerability that I am able to exhibit more than I ever knew how before. It's in the weakness of a daddy who cries at the thoughts unknown. It's in the gentleness of a brother and sister who know nothing more than love and see no delays or seizures. It's in friends who remind you of those things in the most powerful and yet gentle ways. It's in confrontation of reality and ease of denial.
Justice is in it all.
The Lord is a God of justice. When I came to see Him as a God who is BIG ENOUGH, and a God who cared MORE THAN ENOUGH, I was able to let go and let Him do those things. I was able to be small. vulnerable. weak. scared. hurting. sad.
And cry out to Him Or yell at Him.
My pain is not too heavy for Him to bare.
...He carried it once already.
He carried it so that I could cry out to Him. Or yell at Him.
And have the freedom to do so.
And by not doing so, I know that I'm not doing my relationship with my Savior any justice either.
“Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!”
He is a God of many things.
And He can handle all the deep places of my heart. and pain.
He is there already; waiting.