The thunder crashed outside my bedroom. Every eruption brought a cringe to my sleeping spirit. Anxiety swept over me in the calm of my bedroom. I looked beside me to see my girls, sound asleep and at ease. I memorize their hair, their lips, their eyes. I watch their breath as they slumber and dream. I pulled the covers up over my head and tried to relax. Just as I got settled, it all began again in the dark of night.
Tomorrow is the appointment we have all been waiting for. We will finally meet the geneticist who I have already prayed will be the one to find answers to our little mystery. I know this won't necessarily happen right away, but I have faith it will someday soon. I am feeling a million different things but trying to stay focused on the task at hand, which is giving accurate information about Mabel and communicating clearly. This year has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Every day brings turns in myself that I didn't expect. Every night I end the day much different than the way I began it.
The Lord spoke to me in church yesterday. His message was clear:
Count it all joy when you face trials.
Count it all joy.
And things don't always make sense to me, but they always do to God.
He is still in control.
I went up for prayer and my body was shaking with anguish. I cry out for Mabel's healing and for peace. The unknown is still the hardest and yet today I find myself fearing the knowing. I fear what we will find out. Maybe not knowing is even better than knowing?
And I try to stay calm, breathe, pray.
During prayer came forth these words, "Lord...let a revolution begin through Mabel. In this church, in this town. Use Mabel's miracle to start a REVOLUTION."
...and I lost my mind in tears...
I know God is still the same. I know He is still a miracle worker. I know that He is going to do what He planned long ago. And I am ok with all of that. Because I love the Lord and the journey is always worth it. But it isn't easy and it is scary.
I simply prayed, "Let your will be done, Lord."
I have a general idea of what to expect at our appointment yet there is still so much I don't know. It could be the first of many visits. Or they could miraculously do blood work that reveals to us Mabel's diagnosis and we'll have our answer. Truly, that would be a miracle.
Do you know what the waiting is doing to me? It's changing me. I am a more patient, more intuitive, more delicate creature now. And I am thankful.
Yesterday was a hard day. Mabel was so tonguey. That's the term we use when she just can't seem to quit workin her little tongue and it won't quite go into her mouth. At all.
I saw some babies that were close to her age and it once again brought me back to the place where I realize that this isn't going away. This is a long term thing we're dealing with. And it's pretty serious. I hugged my girl and whispered gently to her that I'm doing my best to find answers. I will get answers...
So I'm a mix of emotions. Mostly I feel sleep deprived and like my mind hasn't rested in about 3 days. It's very lonely, as everyone else's life continues and mine is locked away in the inner room of confusion, worry and anxiety. I pray that after tomorrow I will be able to rest, knowing that we're right where we need to be. I know the Lord has directed us here at this exact time.
Please pray for us as we travel. Please pray that we would have a good appointment and that we would feel a peace about the team of Dr's and genetic counselors that we meet with. Please pray that this initial meeting will help us eventually get the answers we are so desperate to find. Please pray that I would find rest tonight in the arms of a God who is in control and aware of my hurting.
We will be making a one-day trip so as soon as I can post details, I will. Thank you for loving us and walking this with us. I cannot explain how many times I feel you pulling me through...