We got a white fence. It's the fence I've always wanted. And yesterday as Daniel and I were loading and unloading that fence, something kind of profound struck me. The 'new' that I thought spring was blowing in has not arrived quite yet. I'm beginning to wonder if it's coming at all...
I thought I would feel lighter. Fresher. Happier. I thought that as the wind blew in a season of change, I would feel like my old self again. I keep waiting for her to appear as if she left for a winter getaway but the truth is--I don't think she's coming back. It's as if, on top of everything else I'm processing, I'm grieving for my old self and her swift return.
I can pinpoint the happiest time in my entire life.
It was 2 summers ago. I felt great physically. I was strong and vibrant. I felt such a deep sense of contentment with my children, this house, my husband, and my routine. I remember back to those days with such an urgency and sadness because not only are those days not coming back but I'm not sure if I will ever feel that kind of ease about life again. I'm not sure if I'll feel like that mom, that friend, or that wife again.
Those of you who have been reading here for awhile probably remember the fear that gripped me during my pregnancy with Mabel. I was, of course, beyond excited to be pregnant with her but I was consumed by this constant presence of fear. I prayed against it, I went to the alter week after week. I posted Bible verses all over our house; on picture frames, kitchen walls, bathroom mirrors, school books. Everywhere. I came against that fear with all that was within me and it exhausted me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I see now that God was preparing my heart for a greater battle of the spirit...but after this consumption of my heart during that season, I felt like some of my happy got lost in the shuffle.
Mabel was born and brought with her a bond like I cannot explain. I was immediately smitten but inside of me something ached for that certain something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I felt conflicted in my love for her and my confirmation that something felt 'off.'
Everyday I feel myself trying to climb out of the fog that has fallen over me. It's not a sadness or depression. It's just a lingering reminder that this is really happening. Some moments the reality of that hits me so suddenly that I feel robbed of air to breathe. My days are spent endlessly thinking about my girl and how desperately I want her to be ok. My nights are spent researching, reading and praying that we find answers to questions that are far to hard to even speak out loud.
I know now, in the middle of this ride, that even if we find out that Mabel is just fine, I can never look away from the things I have learned during this time. Once you have been enlightened to something, you have to act and I will DO whatever I can with the knowledge and information that I gain during this time. There will never be an excuse to sit back and do nothing. I know too much about too many terrible syndromes and diseases to not do something.
Last week's blood test results have not come back yet. I don't expect them for a couple of weeks. I wrote down the tests last week and tucked them in a drawer, hoping that I would have the will power not to research them too extensively. But tonight I found that paper and I couldn't help it. Our greatest prayer is that the results for these 3 diseases are negative because they are so debilitating and horrific that I almost can't stand that we even have to consider them to be a possibility. I can't believe that we have to research ANY disease, disorder or syndrome to be a possibility for our girl, or for any child.
I just can't believe it.
Today was a great day overall. I truly am enjoying this time--I'm just learning to let go of my hopes for what used to be and move on to what is now.
I got a new summer quilt for our bed and it makes me really happy. Nora put make-up on Braden tonight which was hilarious. I got to visit with an old friend and show her unconditional love in the midst of a bad situation. I took Braden for a walk in the morning, Nora for a walk in the afternoon and made Woo giggle in between. I feel closer to the Lord than I ever have before and am thankful that He redeemed me long ago. I have a reassurance in Him that is beyond comprehension and that brings me such peace. I am thankful that my eyes are opened to the growth that is happening during this time. I am thankful for Rache and her beautiful reminder that we serve a jealous God-and my conclusion that I truly am ok with that.
I'm desperate for others to get it though. I'm hungry for fellowship in eternity someday. So please, friends...let yourself feel God today. Because He is near and He is calling.
I am thankful for our new white fence. There will be days when I will want to plant bright flowers in front of it and there will be days when I'll want to tuck my family inside and hide behind it. If I'm being honest I would say that all I really wanted for my life was to have a perfect marriage with healthy children and a big white house with a white fence in the front of it. That's what we all really want, I think. And I got all of that with a little bit of a twist thrown in. I'm learning to be ok with that, but in the meantime there will probably be some days when it is harder to look at that fence than others. Everything is a reminder that I will have to dream new dreams for this family...
...I think I'll start tonight; under my new piece of happy that swallowed my bed in summer...
New dreams, here I come.