There have been parts of my everyday that have not been pretty. Deep in my spirit I have been tangled up with myself for awhile now. The truth that I base my faith and my life upon has been smothered by lies of the enemy.
From day to day I have felt everything from fear, worry, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, wonder, anticipation, hope, more fear, more anger, much more sadness...
And in all of that my view of God has changed some. It has been altered. I woke up one morning and even spoke the words, "things just aren't so black and white..."
Like the day we buried Steff and I looked at Mabel and wondered what the future might hold. Why was I facing this? How could it not feel like a punishment? Why did people keep saying that God couldn't give me more than I could handle? It's hard to believe that "The Lord works all things out for good..." when children are dying from a rare disease that apparently her parents were strong enough to handle.
None of it made sense. None of it does.
But at revival tonight as the Word was spoken, I was reminded in my spirit once again that things really ARE black and white. God is still God. He has not moved or changed. He performed miracles and He still performs them. He gives and takes away. He is sovereign and if I believe that He is then it doesn't need to make sense to me. I just need to trust.
The word was spoken of Abraham taking his son to the alter to be sacrificed. Abraham took his son to that alter believing with faith that God would provide a lamb to be sacrificed rather than his own son. He didn't know when, how or where that lamb would show up, but he carried his son up that mountain trusting that God would provide something sacrificial in his place. Abraham didn't understand why God was asking him to do it but he loved God so much that he was willing. Now in the account of Abraham and Isaac, the Lord did provide a sacrifice to take Isaac's place; only it wasn't a lamb. God provided a ram.
So you see, God provided...but it wasn't in the way that Abraham had planned or expected.
I don't need to know when, how or where God will show up in this thing for me. But I do [in my heart of hearts] truly believe the HE WILL SHOW UP.
It may not be how I expected it or envisioned it. It may not be the outcome that I imagine it to be. But I love Him and trust Him anyway.
I believe Abraham would have sacrificed his son. He didn't have to do that. That was not God's intention or plan. But He loved the Lord with his entire heart. He was willing to go through whatever God asked him to go through. I can't imagine the kind of pain he experienced walking up that mountain carrying his young child. Isaac even asked his father where the offering was. Abraham answered his son in faith saying the Lord would provide one.
I cannot promise that I won't have questions along the way but I do know that I am tired of believing the enemy's lies over my family. My spirit is weary and I am tired. But I am not broken. I feel something stirring up inside of me fiercely that is stronger than the lies. The truth is this:
Mabel was fearfully and wonderfully made.
The Lord never leaves us or forsakes us.
God's ear is not deaf and His arm is not short.
All things are possible for me, because I believe.
And my strength and salvation come from the Lord.
I will not be shaken because we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus!
So sadness may come, anger may follow. Frustration and confusion may sneak up on me. But they cannot stay and take root inside of this structure. They are only welcome for a time.
My help comes from the Lord.