Wednesday, February 23, 2011

its not easy.

I have found lately that if I simply go through the days taking care of Mabel, it is simple to push everything that is happening to the back of my mind. To not think about it.
After all, she is beautiful. She smiles when she hears me speaking. She is infectious with her sweet spirit.
But over and over I have to snap out of that and allow myself to feel what I need to feel during this time. I have to remind myself that she is 7 months old and doesn't turn to look at me when I walk in a room. She doesn't reach for her toys. She will hold them but swing them rapidly and uncontrolled.
The sadness creeps in unexpectedly. It has been a whirlwind week for me with my emotions. Hearing other people talk about their babies and what they are doing is hard for me, but I don't want to stop listening. Because when it's time for me to talk about what Mabel's doing--I won't want anyone to stop listening.
Of course our prayer is that Mabel simply has a delay.
We're praying that through time, prayer and therapy her delay will be corrected.
...and that she will live a full, long, healthy life.
If I let myself think anything outside of what we're praying, I can't stand the overwhelming sense of the unknown and the uncontrolled.
So once again, I fall back into the arms of love and ask Him to remind me that He is
All knowing.
All sufficient.
In control.

I never knew.
I was never enough.
I have never been in control.

And those are the things that I need to dwell on daily in my mind as I travel this road that feels so lonely. That it has never been nor will ever be about me. And that I cannot do anything to change it, or control it.
Except for live faithful to the Lord and depend only on Him to carry me.
And Mabel.
...and although I'm trying...
some days it's just not easy.

Hair bows in the photos are courtesy of Rachel's new business "Harper's Halos." Now available for purchase! Please visit her 'Harper's Halos' fanpage on facebook or email her at


adyandjacksmommy said...

She is beautiful! Absolutley amazing! Keeping your family in our prayers <3 So glad to hear she did well in therapy.

Bree said...

I don't know how I found myself on this post, but it wrecked me. I remember these things, in Zekey, but a bit later. I guess there was always question. I hate that we have Batten disease children as a common ground- what I love is that we both have Jesus and can rest in Him, loving each other from afar.
Love to you and the kiddos. kiss mabel for me <3