I lay in bed at the end of a long day and I begin to feel it. This overwhelming sense of guilt. 'Mommy Guilt.'
She asks me through the day, "Mommy will you snuggle with me?" And I do. But then minutes later the laundry is done rinsing and needs to be put in the dryer. I look towards the sink and see that last night's dishes need to be washed. The dog needs to be let out and the counters need wiped down.
My mind gets distracted with tasks other than her.
And I feel it in the silence, late at night.
Each morning my little guy wakes up and marches his way toward the couch for some cartoon time. It is the only time of day when his voice is still; the room is quiet.
I want badly to spend an hour laying with him on the couch but my body aches from a night of restless sleep anyway. I get my breakfast and sit at the computer. If he asks for me, I go. Otherwise, I allow him the stillness because it doesn't last long.
But as the day creeps on, I long for that moment back. Wishing I would have just been in the midst with him.
I'm the kind of mom [& person] that feels like I give my all and yet somehow convinces myself that it's not enough. I'm the mom who stays home with my children day in and day out and feels extremely guilty when I need a break. I get out of the house only to feel bad for leaving; rush through what needs to get finished and hurry home to see them again.
I know that feeling this way is somewhat normal for all moms. Or maybe it isn't. All I know is that my children are only this size for a short time. Our days are already being stolen so quickly and I don't want to be robbed of time with them.
I am blessed to stay home with them everyday and I never want to take it for granted.
This computer, the telephone, or even housework should never be more important.
And yet, sometimes they take the place of precious moments with my children.
And I hate that I allow it to happen.
Will I ever not feel this sense of urgency with my children?
Will I ever not feel this extreme guilt?
Because the truth is, even though I feel it, I often don't change what I'm doing.
I could color more, tickle more, play trucks more, lounge around more.
I could be doing more.
All I ever feel is that I could be doing more.
It overwhelms me and exhausts me because I want to do more and yet I do not.
The question then becomes in my mind...
Could I truly do more or have I set myself up for failure no matter what?
Am I doing enough? Will it EVER be enough to make me not feel this way?
Is it about how I feel or how the kids feel at the end of the day?
Do they feel a void?
But I hate the thought.
And I hate the guilt.
Do you have mommy guilt?
If so, how does it manifest in you?
What do you wish you were doing better or more of?