Friday, January 29, 2010

A mother to boys.

Yesterday as I stared up at the sonogram machine's screen and it was revealed to me that growing inside of me is another boy, it hit me.
I am a mom of boys.

It sounds strange, I know. But even after having Braden I just always felt like I was more of a mom who mothered girls. I have a sister, and I'm close to my mom. And although I have a brother, he is 13 years younger than I am. It just never occurred to me that I would be mothering a brood of boys who dominated the numbers in our home.


But as I was laying there and even after I walked to the van, and drove home talking to Daniel, it hit me again. A great revelation. Why wouldn't I mother boys? I have always loved boys deeply.
I mean 12 years ago, this boy came into my life like thunder. I loved him first. Deeply, passionately, with everything inside of me.
Jake was the first boy I ever truly loved.
I know it is so because the love I felt for him was powerful and overpowering all at once.
When Jake was just 3, I learned to love another boy deeply. Only this time it was in a much different way. Not stronger, just different. I loved this boy next. So much so that when he said to me, "I love you too, but I am going to be a Marine...no matter what," I simply replied, "then I'll go with you." And I did. And we did...
thus starting the great love that has shaped our growing family.
Because I loved the boy above and the one even before that, I had a great excitement and anticipation about my first born son. I couldn't wait to know what it felt like to hold my husband's son in my arms. To see if he would look like him, act like him, love like him. And he does. And although it didn't happen immediately, I did fall in love with this boy in a way that is earth-shattering, mind-boggling and strongly intimidating. I love this boy so much that if something ever happened to him, I do not think my heart would be able to beat....not one more second.
It's that much.
And yesterday, for only the fourth time in my entire life, I fell madly in love with another boy. One that just developed fingerprints last week and one that is being formed inside of my womb by a God greater than I can comprehend. When I saw his little arm and toes moving in my belly, I took a deep breath. I knew it had happened yet again.
I had fallen in love with a boy.
So much so that it is sometimes scary and I need to catch my breath.
It is no secret that I am a lover.
I love deeply, wholly, completely.
Anyone who enters my life finds a connection to my heart that is never broken. But these boys hold places of my heart that are each their own. They have stolen parts of me that cannot be replaced by anyone else, not ever.
I still feel a strong and deep connection with Jake. One that is indescribable.
My love for Daniel is immeasurable.
Braden and I have a great romance that only a mother and her young son can experience. The type where when he kisses my cheek, I want to die from the amount of emotion it causes me to feel inside.
And now, a sweet boy inside of me. One that has already captured something in me that is incomparable. I felt it from the beginning as I pleaded with God to give me a peace about His life, and even before that when God told me that Emery would be ours. I could not understand until yesterday, in the perfect timing of God, just how much this little boy would already affect my life and my role as a mother.
A mother to boys.
A. Mother. To. Boys.
*sigh*

3 comments:

brandy said...

CONGRATULATIONS Ramee! That is so exciting! :-) I love the name btw it's awesome awesome!

sarah kay said...

just reading that makes me sad that i will never get to experience the bond that you know so well. i love my girls so deeply and with all of my heart...but i want so badley to know the love of a mother and her son. :( im so happy for you guys! his name is awesome...so unique!!

-sarah

Tiffany said...

Oh, Ramee, this was beautiful and beautifully written. There really is nothing like being a mommy to a boy, especially our hubby's boy. It's like turning back time and getting a peak into the secret childhood of our husband's. Lovely. I am so very excited for you!