I am battling so much fear.
Fear for the child growing inside of me.
Fear for those around me.
Fear of the upcoming year.
If you know me at all ( and thankfully, most of you do by now)--you know that this is not something I typically struggle with. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Without tooting my own horn, I am confident in saying that I am almost always dependant upon God and His word and have not naturally struggled with fear being part of my life.
I know that I am currently under a spiritual attack. If you are not one who understands or believes in such spiritual warfare, I would hope that one day you could experience it in such a way that would draw you so close to God, the creator. It is a time when God, and only God can pull you from this place and be your strength. Your foundation.
You see, when I was pregnant with Nora and Braden, I don't remember worrying about the 'what ifs' of pregnancy. I don't remember worrying about whether I would carry either child to term. I almost hate writing about how fearful I am this time because I feel like it is confirming to the enemy that he is making way with me. He is not making way with me-let's be clear. Because although I am fearful and overcome with anxiety in certain moments, I am quickly reminded of that which the Word speaks to me and I stand firm on it's truth and depth in my life.
"For all who are led by the spirit of God are sons of God! For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba, Father!'"
And as I drove home from the Dr. yesterday, after seeing a healthy and growing baby inside of my womb and hearing a beautiful, strong and fast heartbeat...I cried out to my Abba. My daddy. My Father in Heaven. I cried out to Him and begged Him to remove this ridiculous fear that the enemy is dangling over my head and into my home. My spirit is overcome with weakness and distress. But even still, my eyes are focused on the Father and I know that He is in the midst of this battle...fighting it for me.
You see, this God who I love so dearly spoke to me concerning this child. He told me we would have this child. And we do. That is what I need to wrap my mind around. Even if this child never breathed one breath on this earth, only to be surrendered into Heaven beforehand, God still gave to us--this child. I know that the enemy is doing everything possible to confuse my spirit and challenge my mind but I rest in a great peace, knowing that God is in the midst of this...my child. He is in control and I am ok with that. In fact, I am so thankful that there is nothing I could ever do to change the will of this child's life. Only God.
I have had two healthy pregnancies. I am a Christian. I am in great shape and am physically much more healthy than I have ever been.
However, none of these are sufficient reasons in my mind to confirm that this baby will be born 6 1/2 months from now. The fact that I am even writing that sentence is astounding to me...but it is where the enemy has brought me. And why?
Because...I have seen women have 3 & 4 healthy children to then go on and miscarry baby after baby. I have seen wonderful women of God who claimed health over their children suffer from the great tragedy of loss or disease. I have heard stories of women who went on to get in physically great shape after having children, to never being able to carry a baby full term again. Granted, none of these situations are me.
God's plan for us is much different because He is a God of individuals. So why am I under such a strong attack of fear? An attack that has been so exhausting, so debilitating that I literally have become physically sick with worry.
Whether or not I have this baby, or whether or not it is a healthy child will not alter or change, in any way, my faith or relationship with God. It will not change the fact that He is Lord and I have surrendered to His will (and want nothing different.) Worrying or being fearful will not render a healthier pregnancy and it will not do me any good. In my rational mind, I know these things. But it is a kind of fear that is so strong. So overtaking.
A desperate cry to my God leaves me breathless.
I know He hears me.
I know He is with me and has never left me.
He is tugging at my spirit and whispering deep into my being.
If I can quiet the noise of worry I will hear Him.
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."
Although this post was mostly for me, I pray that you would find some encouragement in knowing that you are not alone. If you are fearful today of anything in your life, set aside time to cry out to God. He is our Father. He is concerned for you. He loves you. There is a deep sense of release and peace in just being with Him in those moments when you could otherwise surrender to the lies of fear. I'm praying that this New Years Eve would find you with great anticipation of the year to come, and not worry or fear. The Lord is never changing. He is not taken by surprise. Let us cling to the hope of His promise, together.
Love you all. Have a safe and blessed New Years!