Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Vent.

Warning: Husband and Marriage Vent Below.
Do not proceed to read if you are going to email me or comment to me about how I should act as a proper wife, a Christian woman by NOT writing these things. This is simply my vent and my thoughts. I have taken them to God and my husband many times before and now I want to write them here. I am a God fearing woman who longs to be close to God and my husband in strong, deep ways. I am striving...but I am human and there are days like today. There are always days like today.

"Be your husband's biggest cheerleader."
This is a statement that I hear from older Christian women and wives all the time. It is a simple statement and yet it has the power to shake me. Shake me into anger sometimes. I understand as a Christian woman what it means to be my husband's biggest support, greatest companion, best friend, among many other things. I understand that it is my role. I have read the biblical passages to back all of those thoughts up and yet I still struggle with this statement.

Why? Because my husband has the power to be so thoughtless. Don't get me wrong. He is also so very thoughtful on occasion. But what gives when he walks in the door in a fine mood and then 2 seconds later becomes bipolar and won't speak to me without irritability in his voice. Over nothing. I ask him what is wrong and he says it is windy outside. I get that he walks in it all day but is that really a good enough reason to come in the door and take it all out on me? I made lunch for you! I called our phone company because of the high charges on YOUR phone. I do all of this for you and this is how I get treated in return? Is this the moment when I'm supposed to jump up and cheer for this man, his attitude and our marriage? The fact that he is a man and is too insensitive to even realize that he has hurt my feelings for the entire day by acting in such a selfish way is enough to make me scream. But he doesnt care. Truly, honestly he doesnt care.

This is not a post written because our marriage, or our spiritual life is in trouble. In fact they are both quite the opposite. Both have been great lately. This is a moment when I realize that even after putting forth so much effort to make our marriage better daily, we are still going to fall short. This is not a post blaming him. I realize that I am a wife who has faults as well. Sometimes I just feel so tired of feeling used. No matter what I do around this house, how hard I try to keep us on budget, keep our kids clean, fed, bathed...it feels like none of it matters. Sometimes it feels as if he doesnt even notice. But that is when I come to the conclusion that he does indeed notice, he just doesnt care. He says nothing to me the entire time he is home and then once again in a bipolar moment, says goodbye like nothing just happened. Gotta love that.

I want to be a virtuous woman! I want to be a woman full of wisdom and godly advice when another young wife comes to me with questions or concerns about her marriage. We have 2 young children and although it is not an excuse, I am exhausted. There are days when things couldnt seem more perfect. There are moments when life is great. There are also times when I feel angry, bitter, weak, used, and alone. I feel frustrated that God made women knowing that we possess this awesome amount of strength to care for our children, home, finances, etc. and yet we have to still scrounge up enough energy for everyone else as well. As wives, we are supposed to put forth the effort, even if we see nothing in return. That's exhausting sometimes! Where is my safe place to fall? Where is my rest? I know it's not all about me. I know some of you think I sound selfish. But I'm not. I'm just tired...

How hard is it to pick up an empty pop can, walk 3 more extra steps and throw it in the garbage?
How hard is it to flush the toilet when you are done using it?
What about hanging up your towels like an adult instead of leaving them lay in the middle of our bathroom where any guest would see the lovely array of filth?
We do have a laundry basket. It is not under your sink where I find a week's worth of dirty clothes, in case you were wondering.

Sure, these may seem like small things to anyone else. But I work in this home. I take pride in what i do here. It is a clean, safe, comfortable sanctuary for my husband to come home to after a long day at work and I feel like he walks in and spits all over the effort I have made--mostly for him. Don't worry. This has been discussed with him and he says that I shouldnt make it such a big deal. Which in turn hurts my feelings much worse because it IS a big deal. I work hard and take pride in the fact that I am a good homemaker. Why can't he just acknowledge that sometimes too?

...and one last thing. Why should he get a big, fat shiny medal every time he does one set of dishes? I do one set of dishes an hour. He does one a week. Really, though?

To end this post I would like to state that we have not read "The Love Dare" in a few days. The enemy was surely seeing great changes in our marriage, home and love for one another and has used my frustrations and opinions to create turmoil in my own heart. The enemy is under our feet and our marriage IS extremely strong. I respect and love my husband greatly, but like any other young wife and mother, I have days where I feel helpless and tired. This is the reality of life and I hope that you all love and understand me for that. Because the enemy cannot have access to my marriage, I will become that cheerleader right now and make it known that we have
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

Thank you Lord for my marriage and for my husband. Thank you for creating him just for me. Thank you for allowing us to grow together every day so that we can better serve you, love one another and affect others. I am humbled to know that coming to you with my frustrations pleases your heart because I am vulnerable and changeable. That is my desire, Lord, for you to change me and mold me into the wife that you would have me be. Help me to be patient, loving, not quick to anger, supportive, wise, and virtuous! I want to satisfy you every day God. I need the strength to do so when I feel so weak and tired. You are great in our lives and mighty in the midst of this marriage and I can always hear your voice through the trial. You are my greatest cheerleader, Lord, and I know that. I am going to give it my all every day to bless you. Thank you for my life and these beautiful, healthy children who represent such a deep love between Daniel & I from you. You have blessed us and we will honor you because of all you have done and are yet to do! You're a mighty and awesome God. We love you Lord.

7 comments:

Rachel said...

Oh boy oh boy. Don't feel alone, that's for sure. I always take comfort in knowing that we are accountable for us, the way our husbands treat and react to us, is something they are accountable for, we just have to deal with it(ps-that's the hard part). So, we have to just keep in step, and stay encouraged to be "that woman" we long to be, and I know God is taking us there Rame. We have a desire and that is SO much what God is looking for-an open vessel. I love you, and I still think we could live together in complete harmony as lesbians if that wasn't completely wrong. And the boys..well, they could comfortably live in their total filth. (seriously). LOVE YOU :)

The Mrs. and Mama said...

There are days that I feel just the same. You're not alone!

Andy and I are getting ready to order "The Love Dare" do you need one book to share or two for you to each make notes in?

rameelin said...

Brit, we just use one and havent taken many notes...
You could always just use seperate notebooks. I have Daniel read it first thing when he wakes up (sine he's up before me) and he leaves it for me to read when I get up and around. Whichever you think will work best for you guys!

Brandy said...

Just know you aren't alone in how you are feeling! I feel the same way at times! And I agree 100% with Rachels comment! Am I aloud to say Dito!!

Brandy said...

Okay.. I agree with the top part of what rachel said!! LOL!! Didn't want you to take me the wrong way! he he..

rameelin said...

haha brandy!
I know what you mean! haha, Rache you just had to put that in there!

Rachel said...

Somehow I just knew I'd screw something up with that comment. Woops.