I took Braden to the Dr. yesterday. He is a good Dr. and I have always appreciated him listening to me and standing by me on certain decisions that Daniel & I have made concerning the kids. When I started to explain to him about Braden's small lump, he was concerned right away and I felt that he was taking me and the situation seriously. He started out by asking me "Are you here because you think this could be cancer?" I kind of giggled because even the word made me feel like I wanted to throw up. I replied by telling him I was there because I'm a concerned mom who wants to be sure it is not something that serious. I know it sounds crazy. This baby is healthy in the name of Jesus, but I needed to be sure. He checked his weight first. He hasnt lost any but he hasnt gained any either. He felt his neck but even before feeling it, he noticed it. He felt under his arm pits and on the other side of his neck and said he didnt feel any other lumps. Often times when there are more than one, or the lump that is there already grows it is a need for concern, he assured me. He went on to explain that it is probably just a reactive node. I told him that I just kept thinking it would go away and he said it may not. As he grows, however, it may be less noticeable. He is just so little right now that we can see and feel it clearly. Sometimes when they are sick or have been sick, they are more apparent. Still, he asked if I wanted them to do blood work to put my mind at ease. I asked his opinion and he said he would like to. We're having that done tomorrow. Please Please pray for Braden's blood work to be perfect and clear. I have a peace and am confident that this little guy is strong and healthy from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Still, as a mom, I cant help but be a little nervous especially when I have to look at his neck all day and night...every single day. I will let you know how it all turns out but until then, please just be in prayer. God is an awesome God and already has cleared that blood work long ago!
I feel so guilty. I feel guilty because I get frustrated with Braden so often. He is such a challenge to me on most days. I look at him and feel this intense and great amount of love yet he looks back at me with this awful cry and it literally makes me cringe. He's the cutest thing ever. I mean, he really is. As we were walking into the Dr. yesterday and we were passing people in the hallway, he would raise his little hand and simply say "hi!" They would respond and he would look at me, crinkle that cute button nose and giggle. He's so beautiful and I want to be a great mom for him. I know that the Lord has been trying to teach me how to be a patient mom since the day I brought him into this world. I'm not sure if I've gotten it. I want to get it! I cant explain how deeply I feel connected to him now. It's so unimaginable compared to how I felt during those tough few months. I was holding him yesterday and felt like I could just die because I literally love him that much. I always have, I'm sure...it was just masked with tears, frustration, lack of sleep and a loud, tightly swaddled infant who couldnt and never would shut up. Now, however, I can walk away and say a little prayer before I decide to interact with him again. haha. I feel guilty because I saw this lump awhile ago and hoped it would go away, or thought it was just how his neck was (kind of in denial I suppose). I know that everything I'm feeling is normal, but I cant help but feel it. The thought of something being wrong with one of my kids makes me want to throw up and spend my life in bed. I dont know how the parents of very sick babies and children do it. I'm so thankful that we give to St. Jude and I will make sure that we always do that. They have so much of my compassion for being strong enough to stand up and fight with their children for their little lives! Parents and children like that have always held a special place in my heart but more so after a small scare like this. It just has touched me so deeply.
Ok, on to more happy/less scary things. Jeni dyed my hair last night. It's a deep red. Very vibrant. It was supposed to be a more bright, orange red. It never turns out the way I think it should or will. It's cute but a huge change because I really havent dyed my hair in a LONG time. Kickboxing is going great. They asked me to take on a morning class as well. I havent decided yet if I'm going to commit to that but it would be during the summer. I walk or exercise every morning anyway...why not get paid for an hour?
Nora is so beautiful. I know you all know that I feel that way but sometimes it just over takes me and my thinking. She is so smart and super ornery but man, she's so cute. She will grab me (or anyone) by the face now and say "I'm so sorry honey." Oh gosh it's so cute! She calls Heidi "Keidi" because she's lazy with her H's I guess. She still cant say farted so every time she farts and feels the need to tell everyone she says "did you hear that? I sharted." haha. She makes me laugh. She challenges me for sure, but she's a great 2 year old over all. Still no luck with the potty training. Between them being sick and me being less than determined (slightly lazy), and getting a new puppy it just doesnt seem ideal right now. I mean that also because I can tell that she's gonna do it when SHE'S ready. Thats just how she is. Always has been and always will be. She has such an awesome calling from the Lord on her life! She is my light in the darkness and I cant wait to let her know that one day when she's old enough to comprehend just how much she means to me.
Anyway, we were supposed to get a lot of snow here last night and didnt. I'm so thankful it missed us. It's just plain cold! I have class tonight and a fitness meeting so at least I'll get out for a short while. I'll let you know how everything with Braden goes as soon as I know something. Thanks for your love, prayers and support in everything--big or small. I appreciate you all so much!