The bottom line is this....
Although life from the outside of this home generally looks put together and easy, there are a few who know better. There are a few of our dearest, closest friends who have not only seen some of our tragic, epic fights...circumstances where kids poop on the floor, or been involved with us during a time of deep and terrible events. Life in this home IS generally easy for the most part. We are committed to God, each other and these children in a way that I am deeply proud of. We function in a routine, with the grace of God, and are doing the best we can.
Yesterday was a terrible day. Daniel and I fought for most of it. Without going into alot of marriage details, lets just put it out there that it is hard being in ministry--in any aspect. It takes up time, energy and alot of focus; alot of which takes away from something else. Knowing that it is vital and important is not the issue. Trying to find balance in our lives is. And we are. We are daily learning and I just keep praying that someday we'll see a young married couple with children who are trying desperately to get it right and we will be able to say that we have been there and we successfully (and joyfully) made it through.
It has never been a secret that I am daily praying for God to teach me to be the wife that I am called to be. No matter what that means, no matter what change that requires. I plead that my eyes and heart would be open to change so that I can better fulfill my role in this partnership. I have a hard time giving up control. I have a hard time stepping back and submitting. I am dominating and I know it. However, I am trying and I am learning and that is the best I can do. God will change my spirit, but I truly believe it takes time.
Daniel is learning too. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that he needs to step into that role of being head of this home in more than one way. Sometimes he has it all handled; sometimes not as much. He is leaning on the word to guide him as well. It is complicated when it seems as if our personalities conflict with what the word directs for that ideal marriage. But, with alot of sacrifice, compromise, love, compassion, patience and grace...we will be molded into those positions and I am thankful. We are not perfect, nor will we ever be, but I am proud to say that I see the blessing of God pour out upon us so much that He must at least see our hearts and our efforts and desire to better serve Him. For this I am so very thankful. His grace truly is enough for each and every day!
Yesterday when Daniel was washing his hands, Nora said to him..."oh! I'm proud of you!" He teared up a little bit and said she has never sound more like me. I try to emphasize to her many times daily how proud of her I am, even for the littlest things! Thank God that she is learning how important that is and also what it means. She knew it would make him feel good to say that to him! She's my sweetheart.
Braden peed on me this morning. I suppose he felt that was necessary to start my day. I love opening a diaper only to see a steady stream of pee covering my hands and shirt. He giggled. I did not. My eyes were barely open seeing as to how he thinks we NEED to wake up before 8 every day. Oh the joy from this boy. He learned to give hugs yesterday though. I suppose that makes up for every time I've been peed on by him...and trust me. Thats alot of times.
I am going to start being a Pilate's instructor at the Y! My mom mentioned to her boss that I was interested and she said they'd love to have me start. I cant wait to get my foot in the door because it's a place that I could work forever...whether it be many or little hours. I'm pumped! Through the winter I desperately didnt want to lose my focus on exercising and now I wont for sure. God knows our heart's desires because I dont think I even had time to express that to him verbally. What an awesome God!
Revival at church is going awesome! Daniel went the first night and was really touched by the presence and spirit of the Lord. I went last night and in such a sweet, mindful way I experiences His faithfulness to forgive and love us, even in the quiet. So far it has been an amazing yet different presence for a revival and I must say that I love that. I'm enjoying the time with God in His house. I want more and more of Him. More and more and more.
So, there you have it. In a summary--the good, bad and ugly about our day yesterday.