Dear Jeni,

You're beautiful.  

When I look at you I see the kind of beauty that I pray everyone sees, and the type that I hope everyone longs for in their own lives.  It's an internal beauty.  A meek, gentle, kind, giving kind of beauty.  Besides being one of the most loving people I know you are also one of the most tender.  There is a unique quality about your character that most people will never attain in their entire lives.  

We are only a few months into this year and already it has been one of deep change.  When I need you, you are here.  You don't hesitate, you don't question.  You trust that when I say I need you, I really do.  This year as I lay in my bed trembling, not over the pain of Mabel's reality but of my own, you crawled beside me and your presence comforted me.  Your tiny frame surrounded mine time and time again through the sobs and despair that I felt in moments that I didn't think would ever end.  And in the unending torment of those moments, you held me.  

And held me together.

 Just a few months later, on your birthday, I can look at your smile and see my own.  I hear your laugh and mine together and realize that you helped heal me.  We escaped to paradise and in the miles that separated us from the comfort of home, we united in strength.  We were warriors for the kids and for one another.  

Although, you always are for me.  

People may not know it but I assume now that they do--but you save me just by being you...

...and you always have. 

 The day that you were born I received the greatest gift.  Most people aren't privileged enough to wake up beside their best friend every day of their childhood and most every day in their adulthood.  

But I am.  

Some people don't appreciate the gift that a sister is; the quiet, knowing, precious bond that sister's share.  

But I do.  

 I trust God on many days because of you.  I see you and I know that the plan He must have for our lives, together, is great.  We can't even understand it-the details in which He is lining up for our future days.  But I do know that He has planned them perfectly and in these moments of unknown, it's all still perfect.  

I am so proud of you in your every day.  Your life journey is beautiful and it is yours.  Don't ever forget that the story you are living is the one you will tell and it is one to be proud of.  You are anything but ordinary!  You are worthy and deserving of love, laughter and whatever your heart can dream.  

I pray that this year brings the discovery of your true self.  

I pray that it brings happiness that you tap into from the wells deep in your spirit.

And I pray that in it all we grow together, as we always have, to find out exactly what we're made of.

Happy Birthday Jeni Elaine.

I adore you.

Mother's Day.

Nora Elaine,

Today I am celebrating my 7th Mother's Day, essentially because of you.  You made me a mother at the very thought of you and I will forever be grateful.  I will never forget the infatuation I felt, knowing that you were growing inside of me. I adored you then and I adore you now.  You looked exactly like I knew you would and even now, I see you, and I can't believe it's true that you are mine-my dream come true.  I named you Nora because it means, "light," and baby you are my light in this dark world.  You are my sunshine girl and you'll never know how my heart beats for you.  I just hope you can feel it and that you know that despite everything I would give my life to make yours the very best I can make it.  On this Mother's Day I am so proud of you.  It has been a hard couple of months for you but you are strong, resilient, smart, intuitive and very brave.  You are so special, Nora, and God loves you very much...even more than I do-and that's a whole lot.  Thank you for bringing such a joy to this home and to my life.  I adore you.

Buddy boy,

You're my only one!  My only boy.  And I love you so much more than you'll ever know.  You makes these mundane days seem anything but mundane.  You make my every day a challenge that I wake just to rise to meet.  You make my everything better.  I loved knowing you were a boy and even though I felt terrified to be your mommy at first, I now know that God gave me you for a specific purpose.  You are funny, light, forgiving, emotional, sensitive and you love Jesus.  You are one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given and I would be completely lost if I weren't your mommy.  I have prayed extra hard for you lately, hoping that God will use these newest changes in our family to mold you into a man who is full of courage, integrity and devotion to kingdom things.  I pray that you will rise above this world and be a renegade for Jesus and in your own life.  You are a superhero to me, Braden and I hope you always know just how much you are loved and needed.  I am so glad God made me your mommy and today, on this Mother's Day, I celebrate the gift of you!

My sweet Audrine,

Every mother should know the kind of love that I have been graced with, through you.  Every mother should know the kind of unconditional, pure, uninhibited love that you give and I receive.  Because of you, I have learned to love with very little expectations and because of you I am free in so many ways.  Because of you I have learned to forgive and truly understand why it is important.  Because of you I have grown, changed, evolved and accepted this beautiful life without restraint and without fear.  God gave me you and I have never been more humbled or more grateful.  You have changed me, little girl, forever and you have made this heart one of nurturing and true care giving.  I love the person that I have become because you and I grew here together.  We journeyed here one step at a time and now we are better.  Both of us, you and I.  

Mabel, this Mother's Day I am no longer sad or tormented by the thoughts of a scary and unknown future with you.  Instead, rather, I am joyful and content.  I am lighter, carefree and thankful.  I am at a place in this life where I can look at you every day and appreciate that day for the gift that it is.  I am not sure that most people ever truly get to a place like this in their earthly journey but I can never express my thankfulness to you or to God for landing me right here, right now.  There is no place I would rather be.  

I love you more than I ever knew I could love.  I am so thankful that on this day I get to wake up and be your mommy once again.  

To all of my friends; the world's most courageous and beautiful mothers-

Today I celebrate you.

Every day I look around at you all and I see mother's who have lost children too soon, single mother's, step mother's, special needs mother's, mother's to many children, mother's-to-be, hopeful mother's-to-be and so many more.  I want you to know that I notice you.  I hear your cries of frustration but I see the little moments of beautiful redemption.  I hope you see them here too. 

My prayer for you today is that you would stop being so hard on yourself.  Let it go.  Breathe easy and know that no matter what we do, they're all going to be ok.  Or they're not.  But either way it is too much for us to bear such huge responsibility of worry.  So just let it be.  It is what it is. Most days that means that it's just not easy.  But you are doing it and you do it well.  I look around and I see sadness, courage, hope, frustration, fear, anger, joy, and a multitude of other emotions that are accompanying this season of our lives-raising little people.  We are all doing it and we are doing just fine.  You are going to make it and so will they.  Hang in there and know that you aren't alone.  I notice.  And I'm really, really proud of all of you.

These days are going to be the best of our lives so just try to remember that as you kiss little toes, and pick your battles.  It just isn't worth it.  Life is far too fleeting to stay there in that moment with them.  

Let them be little and just enjoy it while it's here.  

---

To my own, beautiful mom:

You will never know how much I love you.  You are courageous and brave; just as much now as ever.  Thank you for letting me curl up on your lap like an infant and be your baby when I needed you the most this year.  You never fail me.  You are strong for me and you always pull through.  You're my best friend and I love you more than anything.  I hope this day brings you so much joy.  

You're a great mom!

Happy Birthday to Aunt Jeni!

Special birthday post tomorrow.

Photos from the phone: Florida Style.

Dear Florida,

My heart is there, with you.  Like a lover longing for sweet caress I find myself yearning for the touch of your sun's rays and the joy of your view.  There is something about you.  Something that I will never forget.  It's poetic and enchanting and I long for a sweet reminder each day.  I will never forget the way that I fell out of love and into you during this trip and because of that I am free from a lifetime of serious heartache and serious restraint.  I am able to fully engage in mothering, and some day, loving again.  I am grateful for the moments of silence that your sky brought to my heart and for the clarity that your wonder brought to my spirit.  I sought redemption in you, and found it willingly.  Thank you for swallowing me up during a time when I could have otherwise withered and for planting my feet firmly back on the ground.  I am no longer shaken but steady.  I have never felt lighter or more alive.

Florida, my refuge.  I adore you.